Marriage & Divorce? 7 Things we can learn from Ryan & Sylvia's relationship

In 20 days time, Ryan and Sylvia would have celebrated their 11th year wedding anniversary. It's really sad how they never made it through... This is a reminder for all of us to protect our marriages. Learning your partner's love language, communication techniques and conflict resolution skills should be important lessons incorporated in ANY marriage. If we were to take refresher courses on driving, why not courses on integral skills that make marriages work? After all, 1 out of 4 marriages end up in divorce and the numbers are so much higher for separation. Every marriage has a risk of separation, if longstanding issues were not resolved.

Here's 7 Things I learned from their relationship:

1. Buying groceries and doing boring household chores are part of every marriage

This is something that no one prepared married couples for. Sylvia mentioned in Xiaxue's meeting that Ryan was unwilling to shop for groceries with her. If Ryan really hates grocery shopping or boring household chores, how about outsourcing this task (e.g. buy the groceries online so that it can be delivered to you, or hire a helper)? Marriages are usually portrayed with glitz and glam but it's just another journey of sacrifices, hardship and making things work. Sylvia has a pretty unhealthy way of comparison -- she could have said that Ryan prioritizes his business as compared to these chores, but she chose to use a group of 'other girls' as the excuse for the things that Ryan dislikes doing or feels tired about.

2. Don't continue an argument over WhatsApp

There were several screenshots showing their arguments over WhatsApp. Text-based communication is the worst as you cannot fathom the person's tone, body language and you are so prone to misunderstandings. Do away with emotionally-charged conversations by writing an objective list of bullet points to discuss with a clear head! Here are four questions to outline the discussion: "What happened that caused me to be angry?", "What was your intention doing that?", "How can we improve if the same situation arise in the future?" and if this is not an easy issue to be solved, then ask if there is a middle ground for both parties. 

3. If someone is always threatening suicide, seek therapy first

What a serious matter! Sylvia took it upon herself to be the pillar of strength and source of support for Ryan, but this can also cause her to have mental issues. What caused Ryan to be suicidal? Putting myself in Sylvia's shoes, I think it can be extremely stressful to always have someone you love wanting to kill themselves. You obviously do not want to step on their toes or make sure that no one makes him or her upset. Perhaps her pent-up frustrations manifested in other obscene ways. One part I don't get from XX's video is why Sylvia appeared afraid to talk about Ryan in case it pushed him to kill himself, but she directly called Ryan 'an incompetent leader' over ZOOM?

4. Trust is built by an assuring and understanding partner

"If you don't trust me, there's nothing I can do," said Ryan. Is it okay for your partner to have frequent meals with the opposite gender and send them home often? Why was he angry with her tagging along?If she is still uncomfortable, wouldn't it be wiser to prioritise your partner's needs above yours...?

5. Take time to appreciate your partner instead of pointing out all the mistakes

It's unfortunate that they forgot the hard work they put in at the start of the relationship. All those sacrifices they've made. As Ryan worked on a failing business, Sylvia still stayed in the marriage to help him out. Instead of marveling at these facts, seems like they spent more time dwelling on the weaknesses of the other party. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses... I mean, surely their working styles complement each other, that's why the business can achieve that level of success?

6. If you always bring up a certain incident, go for therapy with your spouse

 If there are any unresolved issues, learn how to let it go instead of turning it into bitterness and resentment. I think any 'past experience' should not be repeatedly brought up. If there are certain triggers, resolve it with professional help. However, in the case of Ryan & Sylvia, she was obviously uncomfortable with Ryan sending home some females. There is always trauma when trust is broken, so I wonder if they had actually sought couple counseling at any point in time of their marriages?

7. Marriage is not only about two people.

SO many people were affected by these issues. The family and extended family on both sides, friends, colleagues at work etc. I don't think it's right for anyone to take sides, or to say who is right or wrong. There are no clear right or wrong in such a situation... I just hope they can resolve their differences amicably instead of creating more sensational drama. No one is a winner here.

Image: @ryanxgo

I hope the public can be kind and cultured towards the duo, their family, friends, and loved ones. Don't send death threats and hateful comments.. seriously. If anything at all, we should send them messages of support and empathy. This is an unfortunate series of events caused by years of pain, miscommunication, trauma, and the manifestation of trauma in absurd ways :(